Don’t Look Back

Coming out was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Growing up in a pretty conservative household made it even worse. I thought I could hide it, train myself not to think like that, but in the end I realized that it would destroy me. I wouldn’t ever be truly happy if I didn’t come to terms with this.

I always knew that I was different from other guys. Mainly because I don’t solely chase after girls (if at all). My mannerisms aren’t exactly masculine, my speech isn’t rough and gravelly, and my taste in music isn’t quite macho. Despite all of this, my dad and step-mom had no clue about my sexuality. It was a complete shock to them. As my dad put it, “it feels like we’ve lost you”. Not to say that they disowned me or anything like that, but they are still struggling with it. I love them both very much and I absolutely despise myself for making my dad feel like he’s in mourning. Deep down, though, I think that he’s happy that I came to terms with myself. It’s a shock, no doubt, and I’m not expecting him to digest this overnight.

In contrast to my dad and my step-mom’s reactions, my mom and step-dad weren’t surprised in the slightest. They actually took it a lot better than my dad and step-mom. When I told them, they acted like they were expecting it: “it was about time!” My mom also told me, “you know, we could see that you haven’t been happy for a while now. I’m so excited for you. We both are. You’ve finally decided to be true to yourself. I’d rather you be true to yourself than to hide who you really are.” The funny thing is that I’ve never been close with my mom or step-dad, and I think that this will improve our relationship ten-fold. I used to resent my mom and how I thought that she never really gave a damn about me, but this shows me that she really does and always has. I now regret holding any resentment toward them.

The morning that I decided to come out to my family, I had a short dream right before I woke up. I never remember my dreams, but this one I’ll always remember. I had a dream that I was dating another guy and that I was ecstatic. When I woke up, I realized that I was doing the right thing. It was as if God gave me that little “oomph”. Later that day, I also heard a snippet of “Born This Way”. That strengthened my resolve so much more.

After everything was said and done, I felt wave after wave of relief crashing over me. I realized that I no longer have to hide who I really am for anyone. It was as if I demolished the huge stone barrier that was preventing my full potential in my life. I left all of my inhibitions and fears behind.

And I haven’t looked back since.